Never mind 'Debbie Does Dallas' - I took on the entire Fakenham Fire Crew



Not single handedly I might add !! - SEE MORE PIX

It was an unexpected pleasure to see some familiar New Forest HOG faces so far from home !!

Didn't get to see any of the bands whilst working in the grandstand opposite main entertainments marquee but  ‘Oh Joy’ - a sound engineer who didn’t get a strop on and turned it down when it was pointed out everyone was sat outside the tent because it was too loud inside !

For facilities, warmth, friendliness, humour (and nudity !!) - this rally is in my top three this year

Hundreds more pix from Fenlanders rally here !
 

Simon Cowell eat yer heart out ... give the girls a couple of sherberts, show 'em a microphone and everybody's a star.  Not so much the 'X factor' more the 'Max Factor' in Lippy and Amelia's case.

Sassy & Johns Karaoke party was the perfect platform for these well oiled cogs of the light entertainment industry to demonstrate to assembled fellow Hogster guests exactly where Abba went wrong in their performance of 'Dancing Queen'.

John and Andy did likewise for Tom Jones benefit with their ball busting rendition of Delilah - if she wasn't dead before she'd certainly been murdered by the end of the night .. A show stopping time was had by all !

Snake

See more Karaoke party pix here
 

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.

He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
 

Last night (3rd December) Snake & I shot up the M3 to the London & Middlesex Lodge at Bisley Shooting Ground for our second Xmas party in 2 days - having braved the elements driving to Swanage the 'pretty way' the night before after the withdrawal of the Swanage ferry in the afternoon due to gale force winds

Well all I can say  is I managed to make a spectacular base over apex entrance through the main door to the party whilst 'sprinting' for the bar (as you do after 90 minutes on the road) . There was a step immediately inside but no warning sign on the outside of the door resulting in me falling very heavily on my knees and I have stunning bruises to prove it. Some folk nearby helped me to my feet - others must have thought hello Lippy's pi**ed already then !

Anyway after I'd been there 40 minutes or so I got chatting to someone who was clearly a 'non-Harley' person. The pale blue shirt, cord trousers and brogues were a bit of a give away ! Turns out he'd drifted in from the 'National Shooting Association' dinner dance next door - a bit of an RAF type . Anyway I chatted to him for a while about the South of England rally at the same site earlier in the year and he mentioned how much everyone at the club had enjoyed having us there. Nice enough man... I subsequently wandered off talk to other friends before (inevitably) returning once again to the bar.

Quite suddenly a door opens to my right this chap dashes forward throws himself at me feet (literally). Having  grabbed 'El Presidente' (Mike Fennemore - the Eastern area club rep) for support this love muffin thoroughly licks my boot (heel and all) and when he gets to the top plants a kiss on my injured knee and shoots of out of a door to my left. Well for once I was (believe it or not) absolutely speechless and simply stood there open mouthed and gob smacked whilst my photographer hubby who was stood about 15ft away and had witnessed  the entire episode smiled in bemusement sensing a photo opportunity of gargantuan proportions looming....

So - description of said boots ? - Spike heeled, pointy toed, black leather with buckles and straps all the way up the sides. Biker/fetish style admittedly - Nevertheless I was stunned and jokingly said to Snake "well if he comes back I'll ask him to do it again so you can get the shot" - honestly not expecting to ever set eyes on the wierdo again...well you wouldn't - would you?

However ten minutes its Ground Hog Day - the same guy enters via same door stage right and does exactly the same thing - only even more thoroughly than the first time ... he then zaps off stage left exactly as before - having obviously perfected this 'manoeuvre' over many years - always ensuring that he has an escape route !!.

Well -the upshot was I spent the rest of the night being followed around the bar/dance floor by this 'interesting' person and had to post a number of men outside the ladies loo to make sure I wasn't followed in by him. However with a large Xmas present list to fulfil I'm now wondering if in retrospect I have a bit of a money spinner on my hands ??

ADDENDUM (SUNDAY)

p.s. it was only this morning I remembered through my hangover how long it had taken us to get to Bisley and then having arrived still couldn't find the lodge in the dark . Having gone (like many people) into the main pavilion where there was a wedding party going to try and have a pee and been summarily 'ejected'  I was (in desperation you understand) compelled  to squat down in the dark between two parked cars to do what a girlz gotta do - but then it occurred to me that with the high winds still prevailing and the urgency of my 'golden shower' that there may- just conceivably - have been a certain amount of 'splash back' on my boots that 'my amour' so thoroughly licked clean for me - well it saved me cleaning them which at the end of the day is a result ! ... isn't it ??

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE FULL AMAZING PHOTO SET
 

Break a leg ?

It was great to 'tread the boards' with my old mate Terry Nash as part of his 'Meatloaf' tribute at the final Sandy Balls 2005 rally in September. He probably won't thank me for putting a dent in his 'Stars in their Eyes'  street cred' but as you can see we first hit the stage together 10 years earlier in the P.T.A. panto at the primary school our kids jointly attended. It was strict C of E school so we had to ultra discreet with the bottle of Voddie we were sharing backstage over the 3 night run. I was the 'Wicked Witch of the West' and he was the 'Queen of Hearts' performing 'Do you wanna be in my gang' - Great memories !!

Lippy & Meatloaf - circa 1995

Lippy & Meatloaf - Sandy Balls 2005
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....for the girlz

TESTICULATING - Guys waving their arms around and talking utter Bollocks

GOING FOR A McSHIT - Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog for wee. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a 'McShit with Lies'.

AEROPLANE BLONDE - One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'

.... and for the Guys

BRAVERY is coming home drunk and seeing the wife at the doorstep holding a broom and saying, Hello love you still cleaning or are you flying tonight.

TRUE BRAVERY is coming home with lipstick on your cheek, drunk and covered in perfume, slapping your wife's ass and saying your next.
 

Well I'll be Cuckooed

The other night I was invited out for a night with a few "Harley Girlz." I told Snake (my husband) that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the Vodka & red bulls went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit ratted, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall (which we inherited from his mum) started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realising Snake would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning Snake asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight".

He didn't seem annoyed at all. Whew! Got away with that one I thought !

Then he said, "I think maybe we need to get Mum's cuckoo clock serviced."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night it cuckooed three times,
then said, "Oh. ****.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted